Elders of Zion to Retire

Radiate_Truth · Joined: 18 Aug 2007 Posts: 1056

Elders of Zion to Retire
Backward: A Purim Spoof
By Anthony Weiss
Published March 04, 2009, issue of March 13, 2009.

The Wild Bunch: The Elders of Zion, pictured here in younger, more rambunctious days, are hanging up their fezzes and heading south. Noted Morris (third from left), ‘The only thing I’m looking to dominate now is a Piña Colada.’

The Elders of Zion, the venerable and shadowy Jewish organization that controls the international banking industry, news media and Hollywood, has announced that it is disbanding so that members can retire to Florida and live out their golden years on the golf course.

“We had a good run,” said one senior Elder, reminiscing over old photographs of world leaders in his musty, wood-paneled office at an undisclosed location. “Maybe we ran the world for just a little too long. Anyway, now it’s Obama’s problem.”

After a humiliating year left most of its financial holdings, as well as the entire civilized world, on the verge of collapse, the organization has re-defined its mission in terms of bridge games and making it to restaurants for the Early Bird Special.

BACKWARD ASSOCIATION The Wild Bunch: The Elders of Zion, pictured here in younger, more rambunctious days, are hanging up their fezzes and heading south. Noted Morris (third from left), ‘The only thing I’m looking to dominate now is a Piña Colada.’The announcement comes after a year in which many of the Elders’ most prized institutions suffered disheartening failures. The vaunted global banking system, which lay at the heart of Jewish world domination for almost two centuries, collapsed with astonishing rapidity, requiring trillions of dollars in bailout funds. The newspaper industry, through which the Elders have controlled world opinion, is in shambles, with prominent papers declaring bankruptcy and forcing millions of readers to form their own opinions. And, in the unkindest cut, Hollywood suffered the humiliation of losing the Oscar for Best Picture to Indian film “Slumdog Millionaire.”

The organization’s reputation for financial probity had also taken a hit amidst rumors of billions in losses in private Kalooki games against Sheikh Hamad bin ‘Isa of Bahrain. According to inside sources, the organization also lost close to $1 trillion with disgraced investor Bernard Madoff.

Even before this past year, though, the Elders were facing hard times as they struggled to stay relevant and attract young members. The organization has tried to project a more youthful image, setting up a Facebook page and founding a new “Hipsters of Zion” youth division, which has sponsored a number of singles nights. But youngsters haven’t been interested.

“World domination just doesn’t resonate with the younger generation of Jews,” said Marvin Tobman, a professor of non-profit management at San Diego State University and expert on Jewish communal life. “They want the fun of fixing the world, not the responsibility of running it.”

These recent troubles have worried even some of the Elders’ sharpest critics.

“I always used to complain that Jews ran the world,” said Reginald Weber, author of “Zionists and Zookeepers: The Unholy Alliance.” “But now I’m starting to worry that nobody’s in charge.”

SOURCE

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

Radiate_Truth · Joined: 18 Aug 2007 Posts: 1056

I had no idea ...first I've ever seen of this.

Damn! Zionists have a secret map ...
Do they also have a secret hand shake. Laughing

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

The worst of all...is the yeshivish "dead fish" handshake. You extend your hand to give a good, firm shake of the hand, and their hand is limp. This is the worst possible handshake to receive. I don't know if this dead fish handshake is intended for people "less frum" than the dead fish handshake provider...but the impression you get as a recipient of this handshake is one of revulsion. Like, What did I do to deserve this? If someone could PLEASE explain the rationale behind this, I would greatly appreciate it. (And you all know exactly what I'm talking about). These people need the Handshaking for Dummies Frummies Handbook.

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

We have a certain friend in our yishuv who carries enough ammunition on him to take on a small army. In addition to his wicked looking M16, Glock, survival knife, walkie-talkie, beeper, cellphone, 30-bullet magazines for his Glock pistol -- this guy is built like a truck. There's only one word for his handshake: The Bone Crusher. He always smiles and makes eye contact when he gives you the handshake...but it's always just a tad too painful...as you hear the crunch of the small bones in your hand when he gives you the grip of death. He should leave the weaponry at home, his bare hands are more than enough.

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

The "never-let-me-go" handshakers definitely have their issues. Their grip is usually decent, and has lots of potential. You usually notice about a second too late that their hand may be a bit clammy...but it's already too late. They keep shaking your hand, pumping it up and down, and DON'T. LET. GO. Three to four seconds is plenty of time...yet they don't get the hint and just keep on going. Think "Energizer-Bunny." It ends up feeling like an eternity and you just wish their hand would fall off so you can run away. These people usually don't know how to tell a joke, overstay their welcome, and have a poor sense of timing (perhaps saying inappropriate statements at the wrong time).

Who can forget the "Running for President of the Shul" double-handed handshake? It starts out with a regular handshake, and then the person's other hand sandwiches-in your own, leaving you totally at their mercy as they ask you about your wife, kids, shidduch prospects, business, school studies, all the while saying, "great, that's great." Before you know it, they've dropped your hand and are off in search of their next potential voter at the kiddush. (hat-tip: Mike's the Man)

And then...there's the whole issue surrounding shaking hands with women. In my business environment I have to shake hands with women all the time, though it's not something I grew up with. A Yeshiva Background and being Shomer Negiya make it difficult to make the transition from no contact at all, to shaking hands in the business environment.

Usually women have 2 types of handshakes -- a decent grip, which is fine.

The other is a spin-off from the dead-fish, but can be written-off as a girly-girl excuse of a handshake.

Radiate_Truth · Joined: 18 Aug 2007 Posts: 1056

I swear Obmar this is the first I've ever seen or heard of this ...
It has to be some sort of joke, prank or hoax.

A hand shake in the states is a form of greeting when you're pleased to meet some one.
It's also considered a binding contract in a business agreement between individuals.

obmar · Site Admin Joined: 14 Apr 2006 Posts: 5697

Muslims shake hand too when we meet.