I hope I was not the teacher!

obmar · I hope I was not the teacher!

Sample examination answers

obmar

He got zero marks for that answer...

obmar

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obmar

obmar

A Math Teacher's Story
george@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (John George)

(true, chuckle)

Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.

Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use.

With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive.

At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.

--John C. George

The Inquisitor

That's hilarious, obmar.

That's one wise teacher.

obmar · aLSO ON TEACHEr AND cLASS

About an Indian boy on his first day at school in the USA.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar,
who is new to our country, knows more! about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica ! Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

The Inquisitor

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
~ ~ ~ Douglas Adams

Illusion is the dust the devil throws in the eyes of the foolish.
~ ~ ~ Minna Antrim "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"

A fool without fear is sometimes wiser than an angel with fear.
~ ~ ~ Lady Nancy Astor "My Two Countries"

You don't have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected.
~ ~ ~ Gerald Barzan

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
~ ~ ~ Josh Billings

A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him.
~ ~ ~ Nicholas Boileau

Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools.
~ ~ ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
~ ~ ~ Samuel Butler

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.
~ ~ ~ Colette

Bigotry murders religion to frighten fools with her ghost.
~ ~ ~ Charles Caleb Colton

Fools are wise until they speak.
~ ~ ~ Randle Cotgrave

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
~ ~ ~ Frank Dane

A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave.
~ ~ ~ William Drummond

The fool of nature stood with stupid eyes And gaping mouth, that testified surprise.
~ ~ ~ John Dryden "Cymon and Iphigenia"

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.
~ ~ ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson "Self-Reliance"

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.
~ ~ ~ William Faulkner

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
~ ~ ~ Anatole France

As one grows older, one becomes wiser and more foolish.
~ ~ ~ François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain, and most fools do.
~ ~ ~ Benjamin Franklin

The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.
~ ~ ~ Benjamin Franklin

Fools' names, like fools' faces, Are often seen in public places.
~ ~ ~ Thomas Fuller

Zeal is fit only for wise men, but is found mostly in fools.
~ ~ ~ Thomas Fuller

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
~ ~ ~ George Gordon, Lord Byron "English Bards and Scotch Reviewers"

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
~ ~ ~ Baltasar Gracian

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
~ ~ ~ Heinrich Heine

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.
~ ~ ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
~ ~ ~ Rudyard Kipling "Plain Tales from the Hills"

Neither man nor woman can be worth anything until they have discovered that they are fools. The sooner the discovery is made the better, as there is more time and power for taking advantage of it.
~ ~ ~ William Lamb Melbourne

The gods do not protect fools. Fools are protected by more capable fools.
~ ~ ~ Larry Niven

The only difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man knows he's playing.
~ ~ ~ Fritz Peris

The first of April, some do say,
Is set apart for All Fools' Day.
But why the people call it so,
Nor I, nor they themselves do know.
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.
~ ~ ~ Poor Robin's Almanac (1790)

Fools admire, but men of sense approve.
~ ~ ~ Alexander Pope

Nay, fly to altars; there they'll talk you dead; For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
~ ~ ~ Alexander Pope "An Essay on Criticism"

Sir, I admit your general rule, That every poet is a fool: But you yourself may serve to show it, That every fool is not a poet.
~ ~ ~ Matthew Prior

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool - avoid him! He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep - waken him! He who knows not and knows that he knows not wants a beating - beat him! But he who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man - know him.
~ ~ ~ Proverb

Blue1moon

Good stuff - Thanks!

cowboy vs yuppie

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust
cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite
navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then
feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-solution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the
trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

obmar

That is a good one!

Thanks Blue.

I hope I was not the teacher!

aLSO ON TEACHEr AND cLASS